I know the lizard is very comfortable in my brain, it's not my only problem (this I know) but it needs to be addressed!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAoFPIHBu6U
25.2.13
Ready for help
Dear Jen,
I am writing this to you today because I am sick and tired of the dibilitating darkness that you seem to slip into and find yourself lost in. A darkness that is unpredictable and all consuming. I feel it from the top of my head to the pit of my soul like a giant weight pushing me into the earth or deeper into the couch and bed. Making every physical movement nearly impossible and every mental thought excrutiatingly dark and irrational. I can hear that little voice inside of me screaming to snap out of it! If only I could reach in and let that voice be heard and actually be effective. However, that would require the energy that the darkeness has already stolen from me.
So here I sit still cloudy from my last wave of darkness but feeling the light creeping in once again. How long will it be for this time? I prey forever....
So what I do know for sure is that writing has always been an effective outlet for me both mentally and spiritually . So what I have commited myself to, is writting myself out of this darkenss forever! I want to be able to log what is happening to me both the good and bad. Maybe this will help me notice the triggers and patterns that may sink me into that darkness as well as back into the light. I have to be bruttally honest on this page (please bare with me).
I hope to reach out to other people who are stuggling with this disorder for support, guidance and encouragment when I am in that dark place and you haven't heard from me. Call me out on it! Make me accountable! I'm serious!! It may just be the little flicker of light through the clouds I need to get back on track that day .
I just can't be this person anymore!
I am writing this to you today because I am sick and tired of the dibilitating darkness that you seem to slip into and find yourself lost in. A darkness that is unpredictable and all consuming. I feel it from the top of my head to the pit of my soul like a giant weight pushing me into the earth or deeper into the couch and bed. Making every physical movement nearly impossible and every mental thought excrutiatingly dark and irrational. I can hear that little voice inside of me screaming to snap out of it! If only I could reach in and let that voice be heard and actually be effective. However, that would require the energy that the darkeness has already stolen from me.
So here I sit still cloudy from my last wave of darkness but feeling the light creeping in once again. How long will it be for this time? I prey forever....
So what I do know for sure is that writing has always been an effective outlet for me both mentally and spiritually . So what I have commited myself to, is writting myself out of this darkenss forever! I want to be able to log what is happening to me both the good and bad. Maybe this will help me notice the triggers and patterns that may sink me into that darkness as well as back into the light. I have to be bruttally honest on this page (please bare with me).
I hope to reach out to other people who are stuggling with this disorder for support, guidance and encouragment when I am in that dark place and you haven't heard from me. Call me out on it! Make me accountable! I'm serious!! It may just be the little flicker of light through the clouds I need to get back on track that day .
I just can't be this person anymore!
12.1.12
A lost soul.....
The interesting thing with having a blog is that it is constantly on the back of my mind . Even though I haven't posted in quite some time I know that my online personal archives are always there for me to reflect on and analyze . I also know that it is paramount in my mental stability. In the last month I have sat back and watched myself and my business deteriate, in what could only be a severe case of self sabotage . Why in the hell would I do this?
Early December everything was lining up for me. My career was finally under control with achievable goals and I was already seeing results. My mind was clear, my finances were in order and my personal life was at an all time high. Then something switched .... Somewhere ,somehow my subconscious brain decided I was not worthy of this success in my life. It started out slow, but went into overdrive quickly and now it's completely out of control. I am mostly sad,always tired ,easily distracted and very irritable . I spend hours a day doing nothing and getting lost on the same websites over and over again living vicariously through others "happy little worlds" obviously looking for a distraction from my reality. A reality that was/ is not too shabby but something keeps weighing me down, giving me that heavy sensation that whoa is me.... Why is that sensation more powerful then my own self confidence? Why did I let it seep in so heavily this time. Why don't I have more control over this annoying , overbearing life destroying bitch called sub conscious.?
On the other hand this subconscious bitch and I should really be BFF's she and I go way back, she knows me to my core . I don't know why she wouldn't want to see me succeed? I would spoil her rotten. Maybe it is the fact that she does know me to my core and is challenging me to be the best I can be. Little tests to make sure I'm ready for what the universe has in store for me next, tests to make sure I can handle my successes and clarity of mind. Little reminders not to forget who I am and the roads that I have taken to get to this point of my life and really not to take my clarity of mind for granted.
Omg this blog is unreal like I said at the beginning , this blog is always on the back of my mind. I know I need to make it a habit to blog daily if not every couple of days. I can already feel the heaviness lifting. I think I am afraid to blog at times because it is too deep into my soul. It's too revealing and maybe at times too painful to put it all out there. The heaviness clouds my thoughts and my memories and I know I find comfort in that. Oh my now I have tears in my eyes lol, that must be an ah ha moment.
I am typing so fast right now so obviously have a lot of things I need to reveal. I did set goals for myself and my business this year but of course have not focused on them at all. It's time to start focusing. I already feel better.
The first step today was to get out of my house and force myself to go to the local coffee shop with the determination to blog and regain self control. I can not live this way anymore.
Step two will be to actually get some work done, maybe return some emails and phone calls. - could you imagine?!
Ok now I need to get some work done, I have some serious damage control to do. Oh my....
Dear little blog I will be back soon , a necessary promise I will make to myself and my BFF
Early December everything was lining up for me. My career was finally under control with achievable goals and I was already seeing results. My mind was clear, my finances were in order and my personal life was at an all time high. Then something switched .... Somewhere ,somehow my subconscious brain decided I was not worthy of this success in my life. It started out slow, but went into overdrive quickly and now it's completely out of control. I am mostly sad,always tired ,easily distracted and very irritable . I spend hours a day doing nothing and getting lost on the same websites over and over again living vicariously through others "happy little worlds" obviously looking for a distraction from my reality. A reality that was/ is not too shabby but something keeps weighing me down, giving me that heavy sensation that whoa is me.... Why is that sensation more powerful then my own self confidence? Why did I let it seep in so heavily this time. Why don't I have more control over this annoying , overbearing life destroying bitch called sub conscious.?
On the other hand this subconscious bitch and I should really be BFF's she and I go way back, she knows me to my core . I don't know why she wouldn't want to see me succeed? I would spoil her rotten. Maybe it is the fact that she does know me to my core and is challenging me to be the best I can be. Little tests to make sure I'm ready for what the universe has in store for me next, tests to make sure I can handle my successes and clarity of mind. Little reminders not to forget who I am and the roads that I have taken to get to this point of my life and really not to take my clarity of mind for granted.
Omg this blog is unreal like I said at the beginning , this blog is always on the back of my mind. I know I need to make it a habit to blog daily if not every couple of days. I can already feel the heaviness lifting. I think I am afraid to blog at times because it is too deep into my soul. It's too revealing and maybe at times too painful to put it all out there. The heaviness clouds my thoughts and my memories and I know I find comfort in that. Oh my now I have tears in my eyes lol, that must be an ah ha moment.
I am typing so fast right now so obviously have a lot of things I need to reveal. I did set goals for myself and my business this year but of course have not focused on them at all. It's time to start focusing. I already feel better.
The first step today was to get out of my house and force myself to go to the local coffee shop with the determination to blog and regain self control. I can not live this way anymore.
Step two will be to actually get some work done, maybe return some emails and phone calls. - could you imagine?!
Ok now I need to get some work done, I have some serious damage control to do. Oh my....
Dear little blog I will be back soon , a necessary promise I will make to myself and my BFF
8.3.11
2.3.11
An Open Blog
I have to say I am so happy to share this blog with everyone and anyone who wants to take time out of their day to read my ramblings. I love the support and comments that I have been given and am so blessed to have my 6 followers. It's so encouraging to receive emails wondering why I haven't posted. Don't be shy about reading my blog I would love to hear from you.
I decided to keep this blog open to everyone and easy to find on google for the simple reason that if I am able to find therapy in my writings, video clips and quotes then maybe it can help someone else as well. I have nothing to hide from my blog it's only a glimpse into my mind and a place for me (and anyone else who wants ) to stay and maintain a positive life and a focus on a truly conscious mind.
As I travel this journey feel free to come for the ride. It's a very exciting ride as I become more aware of the positive world , the positive people and the pretty little things that I choose to surround myself with.
Staying positive today with my blog friends those who I know and those who choose to read incognito.
I decided to keep this blog open to everyone and easy to find on google for the simple reason that if I am able to find therapy in my writings, video clips and quotes then maybe it can help someone else as well. I have nothing to hide from my blog it's only a glimpse into my mind and a place for me (and anyone else who wants ) to stay and maintain a positive life and a focus on a truly conscious mind.
As I travel this journey feel free to come for the ride. It's a very exciting ride as I become more aware of the positive world , the positive people and the pretty little things that I choose to surround myself with.
Staying positive today with my blog friends those who I know and those who choose to read incognito.
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