The interesting thing with having a blog is that it is constantly on the back of my mind . Even though I haven't posted in quite some time I know that my online personal archives are always there for me to reflect on and analyze . I also know that it is paramount in my mental stability. In the last month I have sat back and watched myself and my business deteriate, in what could only be a severe case of self sabotage . Why in the hell would I do this?
Early December everything was lining up for me. My career was finally under control with achievable goals and I was already seeing results. My mind was clear, my finances were in order and my personal life was at an all time high. Then something switched .... Somewhere ,somehow my subconscious brain decided I was not worthy of this success in my life. It started out slow, but went into overdrive quickly and now it's completely out of control. I am mostly sad,always tired ,easily distracted and very irritable . I spend hours a day doing nothing and getting lost on the same websites over and over again living vicariously through others "happy little worlds" obviously looking for a distraction from my reality. A reality that was/ is not too shabby but something keeps weighing me down, giving me that heavy sensation that whoa is me.... Why is that sensation more powerful then my own self confidence? Why did I let it seep in so heavily this time. Why don't I have more control over this annoying , overbearing life destroying bitch called sub conscious.?
On the other hand this subconscious bitch and I should really be BFF's she and I go way back, she knows me to my core . I don't know why she wouldn't want to see me succeed? I would spoil her rotten. Maybe it is the fact that she does know me to my core and is challenging me to be the best I can be. Little tests to make sure I'm ready for what the universe has in store for me next, tests to make sure I can handle my successes and clarity of mind. Little reminders not to forget who I am and the roads that I have taken to get to this point of my life and really not to take my clarity of mind for granted.
Omg this blog is unreal like I said at the beginning , this blog is always on the back of my mind. I know I need to make it a habit to blog daily if not every couple of days. I can already feel the heaviness lifting. I think I am afraid to blog at times because it is too deep into my soul. It's too revealing and maybe at times too painful to put it all out there. The heaviness clouds my thoughts and my memories and I know I find comfort in that. Oh my now I have tears in my eyes lol, that must be an ah ha moment.
I am typing so fast right now so obviously have a lot of things I need to reveal. I did set goals for myself and my business this year but of course have not focused on them at all. It's time to start focusing. I already feel better.
The first step today was to get out of my house and force myself to go to the local coffee shop with the determination to blog and regain self control. I can not live this way anymore.
Step two will be to actually get some work done, maybe return some emails and phone calls. - could you imagine?!
Ok now I need to get some work done, I have some serious damage control to do. Oh my....
Dear little blog I will be back soon , a necessary promise I will make to myself and my BFF
12.1.12
8.3.11
2.3.11
An Open Blog
I have to say I am so happy to share this blog with everyone and anyone who wants to take time out of their day to read my ramblings. I love the support and comments that I have been given and am so blessed to have my 6 followers. It's so encouraging to receive emails wondering why I haven't posted. Don't be shy about reading my blog I would love to hear from you.
I decided to keep this blog open to everyone and easy to find on google for the simple reason that if I am able to find therapy in my writings, video clips and quotes then maybe it can help someone else as well. I have nothing to hide from my blog it's only a glimpse into my mind and a place for me (and anyone else who wants ) to stay and maintain a positive life and a focus on a truly conscious mind.
As I travel this journey feel free to come for the ride. It's a very exciting ride as I become more aware of the positive world , the positive people and the pretty little things that I choose to surround myself with.
Staying positive today with my blog friends those who I know and those who choose to read incognito.
I decided to keep this blog open to everyone and easy to find on google for the simple reason that if I am able to find therapy in my writings, video clips and quotes then maybe it can help someone else as well. I have nothing to hide from my blog it's only a glimpse into my mind and a place for me (and anyone else who wants ) to stay and maintain a positive life and a focus on a truly conscious mind.
As I travel this journey feel free to come for the ride. It's a very exciting ride as I become more aware of the positive world , the positive people and the pretty little things that I choose to surround myself with.
Staying positive today with my blog friends those who I know and those who choose to read incognito.
27.2.11
Value
Value as defined - relative worth, merit, or importance
Just a heads up- this is going to be a long post feel free to read it in a couple of sessions.
Sitting here today reflecting on the last month and the one word that can describe it in a hole would be 'Value'. The value of my life, the value of what I choose to bring into my life and the value of what I am giving in life. This one little word has transformed me.
The Value of my Sorority-
When I returned from Colorado my sorority and I were in the mists of planning the annual Nanton Women's Conference (which was a week away). There was lot's to be done within the week to prepare for the conference and I had pretty much devoted the week to the Women's Conference. I was also asked by the organizing committee to be the MC for the fashion show. Completely out of my comfort zone , however one of my goals for the year (as discussed in past posts) . So I agreed to MC with eagerness, fear and the quote that is posted on my wall in the back of my mind- "If you are afraid, you are thinking of yourself"
By the time set up on Friday had started there were weather warnings of blizzard conditions for the day of the conference. We were concerned about attendance (we had sold about 80 tickets) and of course that our speakers would be able to attend.
The day of the conference was so powerful for me. Even though the weather was horrid, everything just fell into place we had just over 60 people attend, all of the speakers and models showed up . Some highlights of the day for me:
-Seeing and feeling the passion in the speakers as they discussed and showed us their presentations.
-The energy of the women who attended the conference . Women of all ages together for the day embracing what we had prepared for them, participating in the exercises and helping to raise $3400 for the chairties of Nanton.
-Arranging and MCing the fashion show. I was nervous and it showed but I did it!! It's a start and I can only get better.
-The women of sorority working as one throughout the day to make the conference seamless.
-Spending the evening after the conference getting to know a new friend from sorority and knowing I really could of stayed till 3 in the morning and we wouldn't of run out of things to talk about.
On Valentines day the sorority did a progressive dinner , being the only single member of sorority I am grateful that I offered to host the dessert / party. Rather then avoid the dinner (like I would of in past) I embraced it and had a wonderful time!! I laughed pretty much the entire night . What a wonderful group of people they are.
Now that I am finally allowing myself to be a part of them. I am so glad that I stayed in sorority over the last year (as it was difficult ) but I believe in my life or a reason. Only took me just over a year to realize that..
The Value of Nanton-
A town that I have been a part of for almost five years now and have admittedly never fully understood or took the time to understand my place.
After the experience of the Women's conference , the following week I went to a fundraiser for a well known family in the town. This fundraiser was put on to help their 24 year old son live a more independent life after a very tragic accident back in September left him paralyzed.
I have never experienced something so powerful in my life. This small little town of 2500 people and surrounding farms came together like nothing I have ever seen. There was over 200 silent auction items, over a 100 live auction items and probably over 700 people (well over capacity ) at the community center raising funds for Terry. The energy in the room was intense and exciting everyone was there with the purpose of helping this family . The auctions were all going well over retail value and this phenomenal town came together and raised well over $100,000 for Terry.
These two events in Nanton helped me solidify my place in Nanton and my need to stay in Nanton. Once I realized this is where I am meant to be a complete mind shift towards the town happened. A sense of belonging, a sense of wanting to get to know the people , a sense of letting people know me. As well as a sense of the future for me and the kids in Nanton. Did you see that I used the word "future" ? Yes a small glimpse into my future needs rather then always just living day by day.
The Value of giving-
A new approach in life for me. It really doesn't cost me much money just a sense of awareness of the needs of people in my life. A sense of appreciation for the people in my life both old and new.
Knowing that I have something of value to share with people is actually a nerve racking experience for me. I'm trying to process why, when I offer or do something for someone my nerves before hand are over whelming. Isn't that bizarre? I think maybe it is because it's out of my comfort zone to be so aware of other peoples needs, I probably want to make sure I'm doing it right and it's probably because I'm just doing it without over thinking the results.
Staying positive today, glad to be blogging again as there is value in expressing my thoughts
Just a heads up- this is going to be a long post feel free to read it in a couple of sessions.
Sitting here today reflecting on the last month and the one word that can describe it in a hole would be 'Value'. The value of my life, the value of what I choose to bring into my life and the value of what I am giving in life. This one little word has transformed me.
The Value of my Sorority-
When I returned from Colorado my sorority and I were in the mists of planning the annual Nanton Women's Conference (which was a week away). There was lot's to be done within the week to prepare for the conference and I had pretty much devoted the week to the Women's Conference. I was also asked by the organizing committee to be the MC for the fashion show. Completely out of my comfort zone , however one of my goals for the year (as discussed in past posts) . So I agreed to MC with eagerness, fear and the quote that is posted on my wall in the back of my mind- "If you are afraid, you are thinking of yourself"
By the time set up on Friday had started there were weather warnings of blizzard conditions for the day of the conference. We were concerned about attendance (we had sold about 80 tickets) and of course that our speakers would be able to attend.
The day of the conference was so powerful for me. Even though the weather was horrid, everything just fell into place we had just over 60 people attend, all of the speakers and models showed up . Some highlights of the day for me:
-Seeing and feeling the passion in the speakers as they discussed and showed us their presentations.
-The energy of the women who attended the conference . Women of all ages together for the day embracing what we had prepared for them, participating in the exercises and helping to raise $3400 for the chairties of Nanton.
-Arranging and MCing the fashion show. I was nervous and it showed but I did it!! It's a start and I can only get better.
-The women of sorority working as one throughout the day to make the conference seamless.
-Spending the evening after the conference getting to know a new friend from sorority and knowing I really could of stayed till 3 in the morning and we wouldn't of run out of things to talk about.
On Valentines day the sorority did a progressive dinner , being the only single member of sorority I am grateful that I offered to host the dessert / party. Rather then avoid the dinner (like I would of in past) I embraced it and had a wonderful time!! I laughed pretty much the entire night . What a wonderful group of people they are.
Now that I am finally allowing myself to be a part of them. I am so glad that I stayed in sorority over the last year (as it was difficult ) but I believe in my life or a reason. Only took me just over a year to realize that..
The Value of Nanton-
A town that I have been a part of for almost five years now and have admittedly never fully understood or took the time to understand my place.
After the experience of the Women's conference , the following week I went to a fundraiser for a well known family in the town. This fundraiser was put on to help their 24 year old son live a more independent life after a very tragic accident back in September left him paralyzed.
I have never experienced something so powerful in my life. This small little town of 2500 people and surrounding farms came together like nothing I have ever seen. There was over 200 silent auction items, over a 100 live auction items and probably over 700 people (well over capacity ) at the community center raising funds for Terry. The energy in the room was intense and exciting everyone was there with the purpose of helping this family . The auctions were all going well over retail value and this phenomenal town came together and raised well over $100,000 for Terry.
These two events in Nanton helped me solidify my place in Nanton and my need to stay in Nanton. Once I realized this is where I am meant to be a complete mind shift towards the town happened. A sense of belonging, a sense of wanting to get to know the people , a sense of letting people know me. As well as a sense of the future for me and the kids in Nanton. Did you see that I used the word "future" ? Yes a small glimpse into my future needs rather then always just living day by day.
The Value of giving-
A new approach in life for me. It really doesn't cost me much money just a sense of awareness of the needs of people in my life. A sense of appreciation for the people in my life both old and new.
Knowing that I have something of value to share with people is actually a nerve racking experience for me. I'm trying to process why, when I offer or do something for someone my nerves before hand are over whelming. Isn't that bizarre? I think maybe it is because it's out of my comfort zone to be so aware of other peoples needs, I probably want to make sure I'm doing it right and it's probably because I'm just doing it without over thinking the results.
Staying positive today, glad to be blogging again as there is value in expressing my thoughts
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